


These are the Lies

by Number1120



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alter Egos, Alternate Universe, Angsty Stuff, Fallen Angels, Other, Soft!Anti, Wings, antihero, cozy feels, goodfeels - Freeform, learning how to fly, youtuber ego
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2020-08-19 11:10:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20208772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Number1120/pseuds/Number1120
Summary: After Christmas night and leaving the Ego House, Anti receives a strange gift although he sees it as a curse. Then he tries to get rid of them, ripping them and tearing them from his body, but they always come back the next day. In defeat, he goes back home for help after everything he did to them. Could these egos learn to look pass the trauma he gave them and help him with his new found power? Will he change or grow stronger with his anger against these wings? But, what he really wants to know, is if it's possible that the real demon here wasn't really him? Flying is one, keeping secrets from the house is another. The lies and promises he has to make to live, to keep him alive.How fast could he fly to get away from his lies that lay before him?





	1. Prolog

Christmas snow seems to be the cleanest and brightest snow. There’s this magic in the powder. It’s wonderful. Peaceful. Even the glow from the orange street laps, which touched the purple sky perfectly, made the night better.

From the rocking chair in his room, sitting in front of the window, Robbie watched excitedly as the snow fell. His pale moonlit eyes watched them weave in and out from the sky. He loves to watch it snow. There’s just something about it that makes him feel better, as if there is a memory out there. He’s new to the ego house, but it’s home. Robbie used to live in the woods behind the house. The only reason why he’s here was by Chase finding him while looking a football a couple weeks ago.

Ever since then, the everyone in the house helps him. Uncle Henrick is a doctor, which meant Robbie was checked on every other day to see if he was still… living? He also wraps his cuts, which is nice.

Then there’s big brother Marvin. He wears a cat mask. He helped Robbie look for clothing, and, when he’s having a nightmare, with a wave of his hand, soft lights float around, making him calm again.

Jackie started teaching him words and expression. He didn’t understand feeling at, but he learned. When he’s sad, he frowns. When he’s happy, he smiles. When he’s hurt, he cries. Sometimes, Jackie shows brings pictures of the city. Robbie doesn’t like the city, but he’s happy to see the world.

Chase takes care of him, taking him as his own kid. Robbie’s slowly learning to read and talk. He’s trying to understand, but it’s difficult when there’s a gap in his head. For now, his words are choppy and lose, but he’s determined to learn to talk like them.

James, or Uncle JJ, helps in any way possible. He cooks for them, makes different foods every night. Robbie would watch him from the kitchen table cut and boil. One night, he helped by breaking noodles in a pot of boiling water. He wanted to touch it, but James shook his head at him. Robbie didn’t know why, but he listened to him. On nights when Marvin wasn’t there to calm his nightmares, James would read him a store about a white rabbit in the snow. James gave him a new black and white sweater. It’s warm, like a hug. Robbie enjoys him, and he loves his new family.

But there was one that scares him. He laughs at him, making him feel sad. He pushes him, hurting his arms and head. His eyes changes from black to blue to a bright green, and it freaks him out. One time, Robbie had a nightmare about him. He was cutting his throat to match his. Then he wakes up screaming, crying, holding his throat to make sure he was safe, if he was alright. It scares him. He scares him. Despite it all, the others let him live with them for recovery.

Whatever that is.

All in all, his new family helps him. The only problem is him, Robbie. He’s noticed something about him that makes him different. When he hugs them, he feels something against their chest. It thumps and pounds, making a lovely noise. He likes that noise. He sometimes shuts his eyes and tried to listen to his own thumping, but he can’t hear a thing. So, he tries hard but still nothing.

When he’s sad, he wants to be alone in his room, which is small yet nice, with the lights off. Tonight, while the glimmering snow fell, he tries again, but nothing. He pushed himself again but, yet, nothing. He can’t feel it.

The snow looked soft, though, and Robbie was happy. Christmas lights made his eyes shine brighter. Bells from the church tower makes his smile widen. Snow is a lovely thing. It detracts his tears. He sniffled to himself as he began to cry to himself. He couldn’t feel anything inside his chest like the rest.

“<strike>Řøbbįę?</strike>” The static voice made him jump, gasping in surprise. It’s him.

He wanted to leave, but something told him that wouldn’t work. So, he looked behind him. He was dressed in black jeans, which were ripped at the knees, and a black hoodie on. His cut under his throat was wrapped. In his hand, he held a bright green mug with a orange foxes on the side. Steam rises from the mug, telling Robbie it was something warm.

Using his sleeve, Robbie wiped his noise and sniffed.

“<strike>Ýøū'řė ňõę§ įş ŕűņņīňģ.</strike>” He placed his mug down on the dresser next to the dooe before coming towards him. Robbie pushed himself closer to the window, low whimper escaping.

He stopped in his tracks and put up his hands showing that he could be trusted. He cleared his throat then ask, “Are you crying, Robbie?” He took another step, but he kept in mind to to move too fast. He didn’t want Henrick to be mad with him for scaring Robbie.

Robbie didn’t move as he watched him come and kneel down at his feet. His nervous eyes didn’t want to leave his soft blue and green eyes. He gulped.

“What’s wrong, little one?” His voice was so gentle, so polite, so… nice. “You can tell me, can’t ya? You can tell good ol’ Anti about it, yeah?”

Robbie looked out the window and gained a small amount of courage. He looked at him and tapped his chest with his fingers rapidly.

“Is your chest in pain?”

He shook his head.

“Is it getting hard to breath?”

Again, he shook his head, his hands rapidly tapping, tears burning.

_What’s the point? He’ll only __laugh__ at me, _he thought sadly to himself.

Biting the corner of his lip, Anti asked in a near whisper, “Is it your heart?”

Heart. That’s what it’s called.

“You,” he sucked in air like a straw, “You don’t have one, Robbie.”

Anti imminently regretted those words as a sob escaped. His hands went up, shooting to stand on one knee, and held Robbie’s head, cuffing in gentle, careful not to cut him. His thumbs brushed away his tears as he cried. Before he knew it, Robbie fell from his chair and into his arms. Anti’s arms opened in time to caught him before wrapping his arms around him.

His fingers ran through his hair, hushing softly. He pushed away from Robbie. “Hey, hey… look at me, Robbie. Please, look at me?”

He did as his breath staggered.

“I want to show you something.” Anti lifted his hand and brought it to his chest. He kept looking at him, his eyes searching for something. “Feel. Listen.”

Robbie did, and felt… nothing.

His eyes shot up confused. No, in awe. Maybe… disbelief? It might be all three! He didn’t understand.

“We’re the same, see?” Anti said. “No heartbeat, but we don’t need that to feel alive. We know who we are. We are us. We are breathing. We are,” he slipped a hand over his and held it there. “We are _alive_. Isn’t that exciting, Robbie? We can feel emotions, touch, taste, smell, hear, see. We can be all of that with no heart.”

He blanked for a moment or two before a soft smile crossed.

“And you don’t need a heart to be the happiest person alive, little one,” he squeezed his hand. “You taught me that.”

Robbie’s pain washed away when he fell into his arms again. Anti glanced tenderly down at him and held him close. Then he looked out the window and saw the snow fall. He smiled as a church bells began to ring–

Then he back began to ache. He felt snaps and cracks in his shoulders. It suddenly felt heavy and hard to breath. Something was growing in his back, breaking his shoulder blades. The once orange light turned to a burning white light as it casted over him, burning his eyes. He could feel his slit throat burning and healing. He felt his hoodie starting to stretch and rip. Something was pushing him hoodie. Warm blood dripped from his back. Anti wanted to cry out, he want to scream, but he didn’t. No. He didn’t want to make a sound. He didn’t want Robbie to worry.

No angel was born screaming in pain, which only made Anti thinking to himself, eyes wide in shock:

Why _him__?_


	2. New Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There has to be time for everything, right?

James was humming happily to himself as he washed the dishes. His white sleeves were rolled up and cuffed at the elbows, and he took his vest off to keep the water off, but he kept his bow tie on. He as far as he was concerned, everyone was sleeping in the living room. It was late, and the whole day was filled with excitement. Christmas was three days away, and everyone was home this year for the first time… well, not everyone.

Henrick was able to get holiday pay for the next three days before he has to return to the office. He didn’t mind because James knew that this was the only way for the doctor to sleep for once this year. Marvin came by a portal from Greenland’s spring. He was gone due to a magic emergency, and he was asked by some high archery for his skills. Everyone was thrilled for him to be called out for being the best! Jackie lives in the city, that’s about two hours away, but it was a hard year for the home. Too many monsters and attacks drove Jackie off from his family, fighting to save his home. Chase lives in this town, but not in this neighborhood. He lives on the other side of the town where crime at a medium but it’s worth a living. He comes and sees James in his home as much as he can when he’s not working. All of them came to his home a couple weeks ago, and James was never more happy to see them here. Now, they have a new member of the family: Robbie, the zombie with a mind of a growing child. He’s a curious one, yes, but James loves him dearly.

The one that caught him by surprise was Anti.

Anti is the youngest of the family with a… unique power. He’s not made of magic from his understanding, and he’s nothing like Jackie whit his abilities. Sometimes, James thinks Anti’s more like him, a time bender. Time these days have a hard time keeping up with him. He would get lost in his thoughts and he would leave to another time, to another world much like this one, but there was a slight feeling in the air. Both James and Anti could be both here and there at the same time without even moving or blinking. It scares James because he would get caught up in time and start to remember. Remembering is dangerous for a man like James.

Anyways, when James talked to him last—Lord forbid anyone else talks to the poor lad—Anti laughed at the thought of him coming back. After his powers, his glitching and time bending grew out of control, he became unstable of his thoughts, of his actions. He started hurting them, all of them—one by one until there was nothing left of them. The only way to get him out of the house was by us a light spell and a ruin that Marvin drew up. Even after that, James still found something shiny, something _brighter _than his soul’s letting him. He begged Marvin to let him come back to his house and just there. It took Marvin a week or two to think it over.

"If this back fires, James," he warned, "I will not be the one picking up the pieces."

And James was okay with this. He was will to risk it all for someone he loves. He loves them all, to tell the truth. Each of them holds a different passion, a different talent that keeps them better than the rest. Anti just so happens to, well, take a darker path, but he always found away to prove himself. Of course, James is afraid of him like the rest, but he doesn't have much to fear, really. He stayed kind to him, winning him over like a friend does. Anti doesn't call him a friend, but he shows it with his actions and the lesser lies he's told him. There are darker things that lurk beyond his black eyes, but they shimmered for him, only him. They are not close, but James was willing to try and push for him. Only time will tell if they could become closer.

Time. Time was never their friend this year. With Jack still under, it'll take time to keep everyone at bay. Chase still blames himself for letting Anti close to him, and Anti? James would only shake his hand at the thought. He knows the truth too well, but he wasn't going to let that take what the have away. Anti needs someone to care about him, and James was willing to do that for him. But, now... time will take everything from him. 

When Anti came back, it was a day or two before everyone else came, James welcomed him with a warm smile. Anti didn’t think much of it at first, brushing it off as the snow fell in his dark green hair. Then James wrapped cut under his throat, sending a warm feeling inside Anti. No, he wasn’t sure what he felt—happiness or sadness, healed or pained—but he felt better. As much as he admits it, he enjoys seeing James by himself without the others, and James knows this as well. Both are the same.

James placed the glass bowl in the cabinet under the sink then began to drain the water, the song ending in his head. As he wiped his hands, he paused, sensing someone nearby. He glanced over his shoulder and gave a happy smile, his thick mustache rising.

**“Why, hello, Marvin,” **the voice boxes read under him.

A tired smile fell on Marvin, his arms stretching to the ceiling. “Hey, JJ,” he yawned. His lose curls fell over his eyes as he dragged himself across the floor. “That was a good meal.”

**“Thank you, young lad,” **he unrolled his sleeve. **“Have you heard from Robbie or Anti? They disappeared after dinner.”**

Marvin shook his head. “I saw Robbie go up to his room but haven’t seen the other.” He covered his hand over a yawn, “When is Anti leaving?”

James crossed his arms and lifted his brow. **“He can leave when every he wants, Marvin. My house, my rules.”**

Marvin leaned against the doorway, feeling his shoulders crack. “Yeah, but, the longer he stays here, the stronger he’ll get—”

**“And that’s a risk I’ll take. I haven’t seen him for a long time now, and time changes a person.” **

“Yeah, but not him.” He lifted himself off the doorway and moved to the cupboard, grasped a plastic cup, saying, “You know what he’s done to us, to _you_,” has he spoke, he filled his cup, “I don’t want anything bad happening to you… to anyone.”

James relaxed his shoulders and ran hand over his face. Anti has done some bad things, yes, but Jack did welcomed even after that _one _Halloween. He even laughed later after it! While thinking of that, James misses his laugh, his smile.

_Oh, Jack, my friend, _James thought. _When will you wake up again?_

Marvin smiled at him, his mind changing. “Christmas is coming up, Jamie. What do you want for Christmas?” His blue eyes shimmered in the dim kitchen light, his smile faded like a photograph.

**“This,” **James said as he turned his head. From the sink, they could see the living room. Henrick was resting in the lazy boy with a blanket over his lap. Jackie spread out on the couch with his cat, Whiskers, on his chest, and Chase was on the on other end of couch, holding on to Jackie’s feet, the bill of his hat covering his eyes. **“All I want is this. A full house with resting boys.” **He rested a hand on Marvin’s shoulder, both leading to the kitchen, a church bell ringing behind them.

Marvin eyed the window. “The Baptist are out.”

James nodded. **“Tomorrow night is the church down the street—” **His head perked up then his eyes shot up to the ceiling, feeling an unsettling feeling in his stomach. His shoulders tingled sharply and a familiar pain grew. Something was wrong, _very wrong._

Marvin looked up with him. “What? Is something—”

**“I’m going to check on Robbie.” **Without another word, he left Marvin in the living room and headed up.

******************

Anti, besides his back burning and sudden snaps and tears, was able to pick Robbie up and take him to bed. He sat at the end of his bed as he watched Robbie’s eyes fluttered shut, drifting off to sleep. A warm grin crossed over Robbie’s lips as he curled into the blankets, hugging his stuff bunny happily, feeling better.

A few minutes passed before Anti left the little one. He was more content that Robbie was fine. To be honest with himself, he was worried. Robbie, being bright and happy—without a heart or a focusing mind—never looked good upset. He only known him for a week and he already wants to keep him safe. As someone… no, something… no, that’s not right.

What _is _he, anyway? Jack never told him what he was. Some refer to him as a demon, but do demons suck up and put on an itchy Christmas sweater that’s uglier than himself? No, demons would’ve set the damn thing on fire. What Anti is doing is called “friendly acts” that Jackie does, and he was trying. He trying for his own benefit. If he earns enough trust, he could try and gain control again—

“Love you, Anti,” Robbie mumbled sleepily, hugging his bunny closer.

He’ll start that when Robbie grows, is better. The nightmares are a taste of what he could do to the sweet zombie. He just might rib him apart and sew him together again—

“Goodnight, little one,” Anti pushed the blankets over his shoulders. “I’ll see you in the morning.” He brushed his hair before leaving him in the room, but he stopped at the nightlight by the bookcase to flip it on. It was a simple one. One that looks like a candle flame. Anti carefully shut the door behind him and slipped into the hall. 

When he turned towards his room, which was at the end of the hall and began his walk, meeting James at the top of the steps.

He raised a brow at him, nodded a ‘goodnight’ and continued to his room. He could feel his shirt on fire, burning throughout is skin. It became harder to walk or see straight, but he'll never let James know. The moment he let's his guard down, the moment he shows a single weakness, he'll tell the others. No one in the house like him because he did... he pushed the thought to the back of his head. He didn't want James to see that he was bothered. He didn't want James to care about him. 

_Save yourself, James, _he thought coming near his door. _Don't waste your time on something like me. _

The pain in his shoulders only grew rapidly, making him hiss silently to himself. In the morning, he should be fine. The pain should be gone. Right?

James’ eyes followed him, seeing his shoulders tensed and high. He wasn’t relaxed like he normally is, but he kept his aura around him. James squinted his eyes at his shoulder blades; something was off. Narrowing his eyes, he saw what looked like sprouts, roots, starting to grow on his back. He robbed his shoulders, remembering a forgotten pain, a forgotten past where flight was possible for certain men. Paris was a different time for angels and saints. Sometimes it was hard to tell what side you were on. 

James shook the memory and came back to the living room, find Marvin passed out in the other armchair across form Henrick. He shook his head silently to himself. There were so many things he wanted to tell them about his pass, about Paris, about his _time, _but even time is broken enough for him to see it. For now, he’ll enjoy his early Christmas present. Seeing them at peace will forever be his highlighted moment. 


	3. All for Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's look at a Christmas from long ago, shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to "Thought about You" by Time McGraw to set the mood, kids!

There’s one Christmas, however, that makes Anti remember.

It was a couple years ago… before everything happened, while Jack—Sean—was awake, and Chase was still with Stacy. Christmas was at Jack’s home in Ireland and is was snowing like crazy. The sky was a deathly white and the wind was bitter to the touch. Henrick and Marvin were trying to start a fire, but it would die ever time. Not that they needed a fire, though; it was the thought of having a fire for Christmas. James was in the kitchen with Stacy cooking while Jackie, Chase, and Jack went next door to check in with the an old lady, Rosa, to see if she still had water. With the main five gone, Anti was stick with Chase’s kids, Beth and Connor.

Conner is the oldest and takes after his father. Same brown, bouncy hair with bright ocean blue eyes. His smile is wider than the Grand Canyon or any wonder in the world, calm and relaxed. He’s a smart boy, unlike his father, and loves to see new and bright things that life has to offer him, unlike his mother. He wants to be a police officer when he gets older to keep people safe; Anti remembers this because he glanced at a dream before. For once, he didn’t want to turn a dream into a nightmare. Young lads should dream in order to know what to fear when they wake up. It’s something simple, yes; but Anti sees it that way.

Beth looks more like her mother. Blonde hair in a ponytail, as tall as his hip, and a sparkling smile. She doesn’t talk much, but that’s alright to him. She sweet in her own ways. There is something special about her, though. Unlike her mother and father, Beth has two different eyes, the right being brown with the left a sparkling river green. And she is blind. No sight or seeing ability, she can’t see anything. Instead of exploring like other girls and looking at flowers like her mother, she sits and listens to everything around her, her hands run over the fabric on the chair, and her thoughts turned to the clouds above her.

In the living room, Connor played with Marvin’s orange cat, Sammy, and Beth was sitting next to the tree, feeling the tiny lights with her hands, her face fixed with awe and beauty. Anti was sitting in the armchair watching them. He wanted to sleep, but he didn’t want anything bad to happen to them. Sammy can scratch and a light might explode. He’s not one for caring, but, these kids… he loves them. The only reason why he woke up was from Connor laughing and leaving the room to chase the cat, leaving Beth and him alone in the room.

Beth’s hand falls from the light and her hands turns to Anti’s direction. “Uncle Anthony?” She called, her voice like a coo of a dove.

“I’m here,” he calls back as he kept his voice even with hers. “Just twenty steps away, darling.”

She ran her fingers over her dark red and white dress. “The armchair?”

“Yes; the armchair.” He bit his lip as she began to stand up. He raised from his chair, asking, “Do you need help?”

She shook head. “No, I can do it.” She held herself up and came to him, careful not to hit the coffee table on her left. “Uncle Jack let’s us come over for supper sometimes. I know where everything is,” her voice was confident as she moved in the living room. “I just want to find you.” Tiny arms opened, and Anti’s extended his.

She lit up into a smile as she mover towards him. He wrapped his arms around her as he lifted her up. “Got ya!” He grunted, holding her over his head.

Small giggles escaped. “Found you!” She’s a happy gal, filled with butterflies and lovely dreams. Her small fingers ran through his hair. “You didn’t comb today, did you?”

“Who has time to comb good hair like me?” He joked, bringing her down, setting her on his hip. “What are you thinkin’, darling?”

Beth’s eyes were far from her, looking passed lights and sounds. “What do you want for Christmas, Uncle Anthony?”

He shook his head, shifting his weight. “I really don’t want anything’ this ‘ear. What do you want this year?”

Her hands were warm as her fingers traced over the scars on his neck and jawline. “I… I want to see you.”

He felt his heart shattered. “Honey, sweetheart—”

“I-I know that it’s impossible,” she cut of quickly, nervous, “I know what your face feels like and arms and hair, but it want to know about your eyes. I want to see your smile instead of feeling it.” He could feel her tears and sadness filling her like an overflowing glass. “I… I just want to see you.”

Anti bit his lower lip. He could try it, he could. It’s only a thought, a crazy thought even! In fact, it could only last for a mere second, but it would be enough for her… for him. He sits down again, thinking over the risk, before asking, “Close your eyes, darling.”

“Anthony, I can’t see.”

“I know, I know,” he answered. “I need you to do that much for me, okay?”

She nodded and obeyed. Her eye lids fluttered shut as she waited for him. “Now what?”

He rested her against him and placed his large hand over her eyes, siting his hand sideways to cover both evenly. “I need you to focus on my voice, okay, Beth? Can you do that for me?”

Beth nodded her head eagerly, a smile pressed on her face. “Yes,” she was willing herself to keep from laughing, so Anti chuckled to help relax the air.

“That’s a good girl,” he smiled down at her. “I’m going to count to three, and, when I remove my hands, open your eyes and look up at me. Got it?” Again, she nodded. “Okay. One,” her head lifted up, “two,” Anti’s eye lids fluttered back and his shoulders rolled. He could feel something pulling, but he couldn’t name it. “Three.”

Anti hissed silently to himself as static filled his eyes, circling his brain like a lion in a den, waiting for him to move, to flinch. He could feel his blood freeze over itself, taking anything and everything in him. He felt his breath die and his shoulders went lax. His chest buzzed with thorns and broken leaves, and he felt gravity tear him in half, dividing him from reality and dreams, nightmares, and thoughts he never remembered.

Daring himself, he removed his hand as he kept his eyes shout.

There was silence at first. At first, he thought it didn’t work. He couldn’t hear her breathe or move. His heart fell into his stomach. But his ears perked when he heard a surprised gasp and soft hands touching the healing cut under his neck.

“You’re really that hurt?” He heard her mumble. Then her hands traced over his face outlining his cuts and scars as she did before. “Wowie,” she breath in shock, “you fight a lot.”

He wanted to open his eyes, but he knew that if he did, the magic would go away for her. “I know, darling,” he answered. “I know.” He picked her up to stand up, asking, “You have a map in your head, right? So, could you lead me to the kitchen, please? Let’s see your mama and Grandpa James, yeah?”

A tiny hand wrapped around his then pulled him along like a dog on a leash. He wish he could see how excited she was when she ran to her mother—her mother, who didn’t say a word!—and hugged her. Hugging her! Then telling James that she loved his mustache and blue vest, saying the color with so much confidence, too! Then Chase, Jackie, and Jack came back form the house, and… Anti could only wish he could see Chase’s face when she ran into his arms. He heard both parents cry, and he felt himself lift for a moment. Anti felt Connor pass him to see what was going on only for him to become overwhelm when Beth asked Connor why he looked like a smaller version of their father. Anti did this, all of this, for them that Christmas.

He remembers Marvin’s hand patting his shoulder. “This is the most good thing I’ve seen you do in a long time, Anthony.”

Anti did look at him. “You still don’t have the right to call me that, Marvin.”

“I know,” his voice was even but light, as if he knew something he didn’t. “I just love what you did for her.” Paus. “But how long is it going to last?”

“Until I open my eyes.”

He kept his eyes closed for the rest of the holiday with the help of Henrick’s stitching skills. It was a week, yes, but it felt like forever. He doesn’t regret it, though. He… for a moment, he was happy that he was able to help her, to help somebody, but his heart ached when he had to sit the family down and have Henrick cut his stitches off his eyes.

“We can do it again next year,” he promised. “You can tell me all about what you saw and learned ! You can dream about them and wait next year.”

Even with the darkness over him, he could see her tears. “What if you don’t come back?” She asked.

“I will,” he whispered as he gave her a promising smile. “You need to trust me, okay? You can trust me, right, Beth?”

She held his hand and nodded. “I trust you.”

“Okay, darling,” he answered. “Close your eyes and wait until I remove my hand like I did the last time, got it?—”

“Wait!” Her voice was sudden, but he didn’t jolt or flinch. “I want to see your eyes, Uncle Anthony.”

He shook his head. “Not this time, I’m afraid, darling.”

Her warm fingers traced under his scar again then small lips pressed against his skin. It was quick and simple, but it was filled with love and kindness; Anti felt it in his body. “I hope that heals nicely, okay? Make sure you care for yourself?” She lifted his hand over her eyes and waited for him. He wanted her to see for forever. He wanted to keep his eyes shut forever for her, just for her only. There was nothing he couldn’t do for those kids, for her, but that’s only selfish of him. It’s not fair now, is it? “You can see the drawings I did for you so you can see my week!” She said excitedly. “And I—I know what you look like along with Mama, Daddy, Connor, and-and—it was an awesome week, Anthony! I can’t wait until next year!”

“Me too, Beth,” he squeezed his eye lids. “Me too.”

Then he opened his eyes.

Anti woke up in a sweat, realizing that he was screaming and James was there in his room, holding him, calming him down. Sometimes, he forgets how to see. Sometimes, he doesn’t want to see. He would rather give it all for Beth and Connor.

But life’s not far.

And no red Chevy stops at a stop sign. No. None of them do. Some don’t care if a young girl lives or dies or… or…

“Shh,” James’ lips pressed on top of his head. “It’s okay. It’s alright, it’s alright. You’re here, I’m here, you’re safe.” “Beth?” His voice was dry. “Is Beth…?”

“Beth’s fine,” he cooed, circling his shoulder, which were burning. “Connor’s alright, too. Both are at Stacy’s safe.”

He normally doesn’t fall apart for anyone, never one, but he fell into James’ arms like a brick. He was tired of thinking about that Christmas, and he was tired of reliving that day over and over. That was the same day he put Jack… it doesn’t matter, now. He was tired, and his back was in pain.

He thought about his promise to Beth. He thought about her drawing him with big wings on his back. He remembered shaking his head at it.

What a crazy idea! A demon like him? With pure white wings?

What a joke…what a joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very soft!Anti one, so, please, don't be mad about it. I enjoyed writing this one and I started tearing up when I wrote this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A forgotten memory that never was spoken.

When the dawn came with a glow of the dark blue sky, watched it all.

He stayed with Anti the whole night, keeping him close and well rested. He didn’t mind that he scratched his arms when he fought him in his nightmare, nor did he care when he let him sleep against his chest. No, James didn’t care at all. He enjoyed this time with Anti, and he wouldn’t fight him. Anti needs a little bit of love, and no one gives it to him; it’s James’ job.

He kept his waking eyes on the deep blue in front of him along with the disappearing stars in the blanket. James remembers his time back when he could stay up all night with his lover and wait for the skies to change, meet again, then fade away. He enjoyed his lover, their time together, and the memories that he keeps to himself while everyone else lives in a world with color. If he shuts his eyes and allows the sun to hit his face, James can see their smile and bright eyes. Oh… how bright those eyes could get. How _wonderful _the night would fall over their face and soften their skin.

“N…no,” he glanced down at him, hearing his whimper as soft as a cloud. “Please—no…” his legs turned and he steer under the sheets.

James smoothed Anti’s hair then pressed his lips on his hair, rocking gently, hushing lowly at him. “Shh, Anthony… it’s alright. You’re alright.” With a touch of his hand, Anti relaxed again and rested against him, nuzzling closer to his body, murmuring sleepily against him. “I’m here, Anthony. I’m still here.”

His eyes rested on his dark green hair and black tank top. He remembered when Anti gotten sick, and his fever was higher than he’s ever seen—this was before he glitched, before all of _this _happened. Way back when the grass was a bit green and the rain would fall against the house from the West, not the East. So far back in time where Anti went by Anthony, his sink was clean from scars and cut, and he had soft brown hair and smiling eyes.

It was raining softly that April week, and Anti laid, bedridden, sweating without the covers. He was in red, basketball shorts, he was begging James to let him take off his tank top. He didn’t eat for a day or two because he kept throwing it up. He tried to drink water, and it helped him some, but he would throw up within twenty minutes. Ever inch of his skin felt like fire, yet, his skin was cold and clammy. He slept for most of the week, and he wouldn’t say a word to anyone when they visited, not a word until Jack came into the room. Even then, it was a short conversation.

At the end of the week, Thursday or Friday, James came in with another washcloth and a bowl of cold water, and his fever kept still. Marvin went home for the day in New York, and Henrick has his kids for the weekend like Chase does. Jackie was coming by that day, but there was a fire down in the city, and the city always needs Jackieboy Man. With all of them out of the picture, and all of this happening before Robbie coming into their lives, James was alone with Anti. Of course, James felt safe around him, near him. It’s how he knows him. They… they were close before the glitch, the corruption.

James knocked on the door before he came in his room, and he was greeted with a low groan from under the pillows and missing blankets. “Good evening, Anthony,” he called softly in the room. “It’s raining again, but it’ll go away soon. I promise.”

He pulled up the chair by the desk and sat the bowl down. “How are you feeling today?” He ranged the towel in the bowl.

Anti didn’t move, his chest heaving heavier than before, sweat dripping off his brow. His eyes opened, but not by much.

James bit his lip, but he continued to ring the rag. When he was sure, he wiped his forehead. “I was watching the news this morn,” he placed the rag in the bowl then started to ring it. “They said that the rain will pass in a day.” He chuckled to himself as he patted his neck. He always admired how smooth and clean his skin was. “So, if the rain goes away, so will your fever, Anthony.”

There was a soft noise in the back of his throat as his shoulders winced, but he relaxed again.

James looked down at his friend and bit the corner of his lip. “I think the rose buses outside received too much water this week, my friend. Do you think that the mums I planted might have a chance this year with all this rain?” He took the rag and ran it through water, again, ringed it out, then dabbed his forehead; Anti laying still. “I think they might have a chance.”

Anti turned his head away from him, shaking, shivering, taking in sharp breaths.

James hovered his hand, hesitate, then dabbed the other side of his face. “I… I know you’re not one hundred percent at the moment, but, please, Anthony, try. Try for me.”

He didn’t make a noise for a moment, but he murmured, “The… sun?”

He cocked an eye, but he kept his excitement. He’s trying, and that’s good. “Yeah, what about it?”

“Does,” he swallowed, “does it still come up?”

A soft smile pressed on his lips as he wiped the sweat off his brow. “It will never stop. Not for you nor for me, Anthony.”

Anti turned his head and glanced up at him, eyes shimmering brightly. He smiled weakly at him, tenderly, then he shut his eyes, letting James to finish his work. When he was done and started to leave, Anti grasped his hand, tugging lightly. “Stay?” His voice was barely audible. “Please, stay, James? I don’t want to be alone.” His voice was frail and his eyes were heavy.

James gave a soft smile as he returned to his bed.

James would lie to himself that he doesn’t think back to that day where Anti dropped his guard for him. As far as James could remember, that was the last time he ever dropped his guard for him. For the past year—or was if two?—Anti never let anyone near him or touch him. When he came back to the house for the holiday, things were different. He came out of his room when everyone was asleep. If he came out during the day, he went outside in the snow for a smoke break. Smoking was new, and James was trying to understand how he started smoking. But who is James to judge? He used to smoke. 

Whenever Anti did come out just to sit in the living room to read, he was always silent. James would catch himself looking at him now and then, but not for long. He wanted to tell him how much he misses him, how much he’s happy that he’s back in his home… but there are some secrets he’s kept to himself. If they were brought up by Henrik or Jackie, he would lie and say he’s fine, but he would feel the ache inside his lungs along with his words.

Anti shifted in his sleep and nuzzled closer to James, his breath soft, yet, still. He would say he didn’t like this, that he would rather be somewhere but here, but both would be lying, both would call each other out.

While this moment passes, the sun came up through the naked tree and blanket of snow.


	5. Christmas Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter before I unleash some hell in this story...

Chase was the first to move around in the house. He made coffee for the house and sat next to the tree. The white lights this year went out, so they did rainbow lights. Jameson, at first, didn't like how dim they were, but grew to like them after a couple times with the lights on. Chase helped put up the tree with Marvin and Jackie. It's a real tree, and real trees are always hard to get in the house. But, they got it in despite the tree being wider than the door. 

He looked at the different balls and stars on the tree. Robbie made a star with glitter and paint a couple days ago--

"Chase?" He looked over his shoulder then relaxed to see Jackie coming down the steps. "What--" he yawn "--are you doing up?"

Chase smiled. "Can't sleep." He whispered, "I made coffee." 

Jackie tiredly sits next to him and lays his head on his shoulders. "What a week." He took Chase's mug and took a drink then gave it back. "I can't believe Anti made it this year." 

Chase nodded in agreement. "Something about him changed, ya know? After Jack..." his words trailed. He took a sip of coffee. "At least Robbie is liking him." 

"Yeah. They built a snowman yesterday," Jackie noted. "It's like he's trying." He bit his lip then asked, "Do you think this is an act to get to James or us? To show that he changed or something?" 

"Marvin's been keeping a close eye on him along with Henrik," Chase added. "Marvin really doesn't want him here."

Who would blame him, though? All but Jameson and Robbie didn't want him for Christmas! In the past, they wouldn't mind. They wouldn't mind that he was around with them, but that was before the glitch, before the power and knives went to his head. If anything, Chase doesn't want to be near him or give him anything for Christmas! He use to call him friend, but... everything Chase hated about himself was a walking corpse. 

"I just want Christmas to be without him." 

*************

Anti sat on the top of the steps as he heard them talked. He touched his neck, wincing at the cut. He remembered that fateful day where he lost control of himself. He wants to tell them what he's been going through, the hell he's caused them, and how sorry he is, but he'll never be forgiven for harming Jack. Now, he's in a hospital room with his family while they're at JJ's house.

He kept quiet as he watched Chase and Jackie talk about their lives, but he didn't want to hear. Quietly, he stood and went back to his room, locking the door behind him. They didn't care about him. Why would they? He made everything in their lives hell. He turned Chase against himself! Jameson hade string marks around his throat and wrist. Marvin... Marvin nearly lost his magic. Then Henrik and Jackie were both tortured for his enjoyment. There was no place for him in this house. 

Jameson tried to make him feel welcomed. He didn't mind him staying the night in his room yesterday. After that, he let him rest for the day. He tries to be a good person for Jameson, but it's hard. It's hard because... what's the word? 

Disappointment.

He's afraid of disappointing him. When it comes to living with someone you love, you're afraid of disappointment. 

In the corner, he took his backpack and threw it on the bed. He started packing his clothes, which Jameson cleaned for him, and a light fuzzy blanket. On the nightstand, there's a photo of him, Jameson in a green sweater, and Chase. They were at someone's house for Thanksmas. Marvin came up with the idea of the two holidays in one. The photo was taken two years ago. 

Anti held the frame in his hand an d gave a sad smile. "Maybe next year?" He promised as he sat it down.

He zippered his bag and went to the window. Carefully unclicking the locks, he opened his window and swung a leg out the window-

There was a knock at the door. **"Anti?"** The handle juggled.** "Anti? Are you awake?"** Jameson was on the otherside. **"We're getting ready to open presents..."**

Anti looked out the window to the snow then back at the door. 

He took a breath and left the window, closing it as quietly as possible, dropped the bag back in the corner, and unlocked the door. 

Jameson startled back when Anti opened the door and stepped out, but he smiled brightly at him as he led him down the steps. 

Around the tree, Robbie sat excitedly as he looked at the boxes and rainbow lights. Henrik and Marvin were passing out gifts to the other egos. Chase and Jackie sat next to Robbie with fresh coffee. Anti hasn't had coffee in months...

Marvin suddenly stopped when Anti sat next to Jameson. His eyes narrowed and flashed a bright green quickly before returning to normal, handing the gifts out to everyone; even Anti got one small, cubed box. It was wrapped in dark green paper and a golden ribbon on the top. He never liked gifts after Beth--

"What did you get, Robbie?" Chase smiled at him. "I bet it's something cool!"

Anti couldn't help but smile at him as he started to rip the paper. No doubt that Jameson was the one to wrap it. He always tried to make this holiday special. Everything always looked amazing... Anti missed him. He missed him more than anyone in the family. Jameson always made him feel welcomed and-- and he doesn't deserve it. He would lie and say he didn't care much about him. He would lie and tell himself he doesn't want to dance with him in the kitchen in the dead of night. He would lie and say he doesn't want to hold his hand.

"B...un..ie?"

Jackie nodded, saying, "That's right. A stuffed bunny from Santa."

Robbie smiled and hugged the bunny close to her chest. He looked at Anti and pointed at his small box. "Box?"

Henrik looked at him and grin. "What did you get?"

He looked at the box, but his hands placed it on the coffee table. "I'll open it last. you guys go ahead." Anti stood up and left for the kitchen, Marvin following behind. 


	6. Coffee Burns and Breaking Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so he left in a way he didn’t want..

Anti tried to reach the mugs, but his shoulder was getting harder to lift. Every muscle burned when he moved. He bit his lip as a mumbled a curse. 

“You okay there?” Marvin leaned against the doorway. He walked in as if he was walking in water. “You don’t seem... well.”

Anti would’ve loved to slap the smile off his face right then and there, but he heard Jackie’s laughter in the room when he opened a box. For now, he glared at him.

Marvin raised a brow as a stood next to him, leaning against the sink. “I hate to be the one to ask but when are you leaving?”

“After this,” Anti answered. “I won’t come back.” 

Marvin laughed and shook his head. “I was wondering when your little act was going to give out.” He took a mug and poured himself coffee. “I knew it was all an act.”

Anti bit his tongue then said, “I wasn’t acting. I was trying.” 

Marvin cocked an eye. “You call that trying?” He smirked. “You should just stop lying to yourself and go.”

”Maybe you should stop being an ass,” Anti snapped back as his arms glitched. 

”Don’t make me laugh-“

”Be careful, Marvin,” he narrowed his eyes at him. “Your still a puppet to me.” A smile crept 

Marvin clinches his jaw. He jerked his hand and the mug of hot coffee went in Anti’s eyes. He covered his face and let it a grunt. He opened his eyes, his vision blurring but he can still see Marvin. As he heard Chase and Henrik rushing in, Anti threw a punch, hitting Marvin in the eye. Anti stumbled back and covered his eyes as they began to burn. 

Hands pulled his down. “Let me see,” Henrik ordered. He felt Anti’s temples and center of his nose. “Chase, get me cold water and an ice bag.” He guided Anti into the small library and sat him down. “And bring some towels!”

”He punched me-“

”Shut up, Marvin,” Henrik barked.

Anti flinched at his touched. “I’m fine-“

”Bullshit,” he said. Chase handed him a towel and set up the bawls. He nodded a thanks as he started to wet the towel. “This is going to sting-“

”I’m fine,” Anti said again.

Henrik shook his head. “No. You’re not.” He opened an eyes and washed out the coffee. Anti hissed at the pain, his back arching, as Henrik kept cleaning his eye. Then he did the other one, the cold water making him shiver. When he was done, Henrik wrapped his eyes with cold rages and and a frozen pack of peas.

”There,” he patted his shoulders. “Now rest.” 

He got up and went to the kitchen. Henrik crossed his arms as he looked at Marvin. “And what did you do to him?”

”He did caused it-“

”And you started it,” he stiffened his shoulders. “So, what happened and what did you say?”

****************  
Anti carefully crept out of the library window, shutting it behind him. With his hyphen senses, Anti was able to sneak out the window without a noise. He wasn’t needed there, anywhere. Marvin was right, too. Trying wasn’t good enough to keep his act going. He kept James smiling and Robbie happy. He even got Chase to laugh! And a hug from Jackie! 

He hovered his hands over his eyes and felt them heal. He tore the wrap off and walked down the start in his jeans and shirt. He walked down street far enough to make a portal to his home. His portals don’t work when he’s around the house. Some of he powers are useless in the house. 

Even with his eyes healed, it was hard to see. Then his shoulders began to burn again. He felt something break, and it made him stagger into his small box shelf. His brow was sweating and his eye sight left again. He fell on his hands and knees. His breathing quickened, the pain building in his chest. Anti felt his shoulders pop and break, bones twisting under his skin.

Anti screamed when his skin slowly started to rip open. It felt like a hot blade was slicing his skin. He felt blood run down his sides and arms, blood dripping from his shirt. Then his shaking knees caved and fell on the floor. His hands balled into a fist, his screaming hurting his throat, his throat bleeding. 

There was a sudden _pop _from his shoulder blades. Anti expected sharp spikes or bones to cut his skin, but he felt something soft unfold from his back, pushing his book shelf and chair away. Shaking, his hands reached back and felt softness. 

They felt like... feathers. Soft feathers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	7. Something More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Anti going to do now?

Anti woke up on the living room floor at his home. Slowly, he sat up, groaning in pain. He raised his shoulders, cracking them, and his new wings rustled. The wooden floor was stained with blood and littered with clean white feathers. How long has he been out? He must've passed out from the pain when the wings popped out. He rose from the floor as he took deep breaths. Anti glanced over to his right and saw the white wings. They were taller then him by six-inches, and the bottom feathers dragged on the floor when he took baby steps forward. They looked like dove wings the more he thought about it. In stories he read, angels have white wings. He's no angel. He's a demon, a monster, a killer--now with wings!?

Besides the wings being heavy as he walked, his shoulders feel better. They don't burn like before... this all makes since to him. The night when he was comforting Robbie and the bell rung down the street. That's when he started to feel pain in his shoulders. How did he get them, anyways? Sure, there are some options in the air. Was it the hug he gave Robbie? Was it that small act of kindness give him these... damn things? Or was it when he allowed James to sleep in his room with him? Curling next to him in the bed, his head tucked under his arms as he slept. Was the single act of love give him these... these things? Could it be the memory of Beth and Connor and their smiles and laughter in his dreams? Was it that? Sure, he could lie to himself and say it's nothing, that it's none of them, and it's a spell Marvin put on to make him go nuts. 

"Aw, fuck," he muttered as he limped to the kitchen. "Is there painkillers in this house?" Anti cracked his shoulders again as he reached for Aleve then a cup. He's happy he can lift his arms unlike before. "Easy, Antisepticeye. You already had a rough day." 

Was it a day? Again, he doesn't know how long he's been out. He felt burned out already from moving. 

He dug in his pocket and looked at his phone. December 28. He's been out for three whole days with his battery on low. It's a surprising thing that his phone stayed alive for a long period of time. A messages and missed calls from Jameson and Jackie. Anti started to turn his phone off--

Jameson's number lit his phone. Without thinking, Anti answered it. 

********

"Hello?" 

James couldn't help but sigh in relief. **"Anthony, you're alright." Henrik's head perked. "Are you okay?"**

"Yeah, I'm fine, Jameson," he answered. "It's... it's been a rough couple of days."

Jameson leaned back in his chair. **"I worried. You left without anyone knowing."**

"I know. That was the plan." 

**"Oh,"** he didn't know why that sentence hurt him. **"Are you sure you're alright? Jackie and I called and you didn't answer-"**

"I'm fine, Jameson. Stop worrying about me. You never did before--"

**"I've always worried about you,"** Jameson said,** "I always worry about you."**

Anti was silent for a moment. "It's time to stop. I've made it this far without you and them." 

"Anthony--"

"Anthony is dead." Anti caught him off. "Anti is here to stay."

He sat up in his chair, he lower lips quivering. Marvin leaned against the doorway into the kitchen. 

Anti laughed, static filling the phone. "Besides, you're just forgetting what you are to me. Do I need to remind you?"

"Ant-"

"You're strings are still around that pretty neck of yours," Anti's voice was calm and clear. "It would be a shame it would happen that your smooth skin again. Tell me, does it still burn when you touch? Does it get hard to breathe in the winter?" 

As he talked, Jameson felt his throat beginning to close, his lungs tightening. He dropped the phone and held his neck with both of his hands as he struggled to breath. Marvin and Henrik were both quick to move, Marvin helping Jameson while Henrik took the phone.

"Anti!" Henrik barked. "Release him!-"

"I will, dear doctor," Anti could hear Jameson gasp and choke on the other end of the phone. It was music to his ears. "I wanted to remind him who has real control in this relationship." He snapped his fingers and the imaginary strings let go of Jameson. "I wanted to remind you, too, Henrik. I still have strings around you-"

Henrik hung up the phone and tossed it a side. He knelt down and helped Jameson breathe again. Marvin used his magic to heal the burns on his neck. He was biting his lips as he tried to make things better. He took so much from all of them, and Jameson still saw something kindness in him.

Henrik wishes he can be more like him. He's always looking for a way to be kind to all of them, he even thinks about Anti. Henrik could never show one ounce of kindness. Jameson was the kinder of them all... Henrik wants to be like him. What he sees in Anti is something beyond him. After everything he's done.

"Jameson? Leave him alone for a while," Marvin suggested. "You shouldn't try with him anymore. Christmas was a good example of him being the same." He smoothed back his hair. "I'm more worried about you."

Henrik nodded, agreeing with him. "Please, listen to Marvin."

Jameson shook his head. **"How could he change like that? What... where did it all go wrong?" **

Henrik would've lied an answer just to make him stop, but he couldn't. He doesn't even know. He just up and changed that day when Jack... what he did to Jack changed everyone's life. What happened in his home with Jack changed his life. What he did to _him_ and to everyone happened after that day. He's honestly not sure why Jameson care about him. Even after the strings and control and...

"I wish I had an answer for you, my friend," he admitted. "But, for know, please don't contact him? Please? He is not well." 

Marvin sat knelt next to Jameson. "Please? For now? We can check on him later when things get better." He held his hand and gave it a squeeze. "You need to rest."

Jameson took a deep and shaky breath. **"How long do I have to wait?"**

Henrik looked at Marvin who also looked at him. Marvin bit his lip. "I don't know, Jameson. I can't tell you." 

"But things will get better," Henrik said, trying to sound hopeful. "He will get better. Give it time." 

He was lying to himself, but Henrik wants to believe. 


	8. Ending of a Night's Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What was meant to be lost and broken keeps the monster at bay." ~The Woman I Heard In The Elevator

Anti looked in the mirror and stared. 

They were there. Even when he closed his eyes long enough, they stayed on his back. Large white wings on his back staying still and calm, not daring to move. He wasn't sure what he was going to do. He leaned over the sink to take a closer look at him. He thought the wings would be heavy on his shoulders, but they were light when he moved. When he lifted his shoulders, the wings went with him. If he rolled his shoulders just a little, the wings would open. He hasn't tried to put them away or find a way to put them away because he was too focus on them. One moment his back was hurting, the next wings! How do these dots connect? 

"Why me?" He asked himself, hoping his refection would give him answer. If he asked Jack, he would give him an answer. It would be a fun answer he would grab in the air, but those answers made him happy, made him feel at ease. 

Chase would do that same-

"No," he muttered, ordering himself. "We are not calling him. Calling for help is out the window. We can solve this. Just," he looked in the mirror and the bright, clean white wings on his back, "breathe. Breathe in and out." 

Henrik taught him that when he was having panic attacks or when his glitching was growing worse. One time, he even let Anti lay on his chest to calm himself. He remembers him trying to make him feel better, to make him feel normal as possible. He would stay in one place instead of glitching all over the world. Then Henrik would keep him in one place until he was resting and still. That was before he put Jack in the hospital. The more he thought about it, the memory started to play again. He bit his lip and took a shot, looking in the mirror with wondering eyes. How did he become this? How did he turn into this... person? Was he even a person? A human? Well, after that phone call today and able to wrap strings on Jameson without being there... that shouldn't make him human. One thing he could think of as he looked at himself was the picture Beth drew. 

Anti rolled his shoulders and his wings went with the movement, lifting and falling with the muscles under his skin. It sent shivers down his spine as he kept looking at himself. He took a step back and shifted side to side, examining himself in the mirror. His mind was wrapping his head with questions and thoughts, mapping out steps that he couldn't take. Anti didn't want to say anything as he stood alone. He didn't want to hear his voice because... because... 

_I'm not_ _afraid._

He let his legs fall under him, hitting the white tile floor, leaning his back against the bathtub. He kept staring at himself in the mirror, staring at a stranger beyond the glass. How did he let this happen to him? He let his guard down for a moment, a single moment, and he has clean white wings. There could be many reason behind it, but he couldn't bring himself to think about it; not now. The cold tile floor didn't bring him comfort either. His own thoughts began to calm as he focused on himself in the mirror, seeing how he's here, he's all right, he's safe. Anti wanted to scream at himself, but that won't solve anything.

Under him, his legs lifted him up and walked him out of the room to his living room. The ripped shirt laid still next to dried blood and feathers. He took a deep breath in as he thought about his problem. He got rid of Jameson for a while, so that'll give him time to rethink his plans for... he lost his thoughts. He lost himself to move or speak or think. 

He lost himself. How could this happen to him? He would expect this to happen to Chase, but not him. 

"What should I do?" He muttered, hanging his head low. "What can I do?" Lifting his eyes, his shattered phone laid dead on the floor. "No... no, Anti--you're no calling for help. You're better than this." 

He forced himself to clean the blood and feathers off the floor, taking care that his blood didn't stayed behind, then he threw the feathers in the trash. Through the cleaning process, his eyes kept falling on the broken phone. He drew a deep, thoughted breath then letting it out as he picked up the phone. The screen lit dimly, the picture of him and Jackie in the cabin one summer's night. That's the only phot he ever stood still for when he and Jackie... the memories that keep his mind up is riding and spinning at night came from that summer's night in a cabin. His eyes still hunts him to this day; it still burns his brain. That night they were under the covers together, forgetting the world around them. Jackie was curled in a ball and hugged his sighed as he slept. Anti didn't sleep that night as he watched him sleep. A little wonder on his chest, in his arms. He couldn't ask the world for this moment, that night. The picture kept him going, fighting every day. He would lie to himself that he doesn't care much for Jackie anymore, but he still feels the phantom touches, ghost-like kisses on his neck, touching his scar when a warm drift of air passed over him; he still feels them all.

Sometimes, his body aches for Jackie's touch--

Quickly, he turned his phone off and threw it against the wall.

He wants the lie to be real. He wants it to be gone and forgotten and out of his mind. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, y'all!


End file.
